"Mister Wilt"

Screenplay by Jason Snell

Story by Jason Snell and Steve Warner

Based on "Mister Wilt" by Jason Snell

and "Gnomes in the Garden of the Damned" by Jason Snell

JAMIE (VO)

The thing I couldn't get through my head was that we weren't on a vacation. The only time I had ever really been out in the country like this was when Dad decided it was time to get out of L.A. and get in touch with nature. It happened maybe twice a year, once if we went to visit Grandma instead.

But this wasn't a vacation. Dad got tired of living in L.A. When the T.V. show he worked for went off the air, he decided to get out. He says the place is going to hell. Gangs, drugs, taxes, stuff like that. Dad's says things weren't like that back in the old days, when people lived in small towns. So Dad wants to go back to the old days. And that's why he's sold the house, sold the Beamer, and bought a house in Clarkesburg, Pennsylvania. He says it'll be a good place for me and my sister to grow up. Funny, but I wouldn't call spending my high school years in a place more than an hour away from the nearest mall a good thing. But there's no stopping Dad. We're going to be better people for living here. I'm going to become a fine young man. Andi's going to grow up with real family values. And he's going to write a novel that will mean he's not just a hack TV writer.

I'm skeptical about the whole thing. Can you blame me?

They drive past a quaint BUILDING.

CUT TO:

They begin to enter, finally, what JIM sees as the Promised Land. It's CLARKESBURG, a small town that looks like something out of the 1950s. Its tree-lined streets and older houses (all of them with TV antennae sticking off the roof -- there's no cable TV this far out) are vintage "Leave It to Beaver."

They pass a fast food RESTAURANT.

JAMIE

Look! That must me the social center of town.

They continue through the town.

They pass a somewhat run-down FROSTY, a combination ice cream stand and restaurant.

JAMIE

No, no, I was wrong. That's the social center of town.

JIM

You'll learn to love it, Jamie. Wait and see.

JIM

This is it! We're finally here!

Let's go inside and look around before we bring the stuff in.

JAMIE (VO)

I was about to point out to my Dad that he and Mom had already flown out, looked around, and bought the place, and that I had seen so many pictures of the inside after they returned that I had it memorized. But I didn't have the chance.

From down the road comes an old CAR containing three WOMEN. The driver begins to HONK the car's HORN. They PULL UP, get out, and approach the family.

FIRST WOMAN

Good afternoon! Welcome to Clarkesburg!

SECOND WOMAN

Welcome!

THIRD WOMAN

Welcome!

JIM

Thank you!

The first woman SHAKES JIM's hand, as the others ATTEND to CHRISTINE and JAMIE.

FIRST WOMAN

We're the Welcome Wagon, Mr. Wilson. We're here to officially welcome all the newcomers to Clarkesburg -- like you!

JIM

Are there many of them?

FIRST WOMAN

No, just us. We're the only ones.

JIM

No, I mean are there many newcomers to Clarkesburg?

SECOND WOMAN

Lucky for us, no. We like Clarkesburg like it is -- nice and small. We don't want too many people coming here.

THIRD WOMAN

We're a different kind of people, Mister Wilson. We've got different values from the ones you see on T.V.

FIRST WOMAN

No offense intended.

JIM

Oh, none taken. I'm out of the television business now, anyway. I'm a novelist now.

SECOND WOMAN

Really? Oh, I just love to read. What's your book going to be about?

JIM

I don't really know yet.

There's a bit of an awkward pause.

CHRISTINE

Well, we're glad you don't mind one new family here in your town.

THIRD WOMAN

Of course we don't! Even if they are from California.

The WOMEN LAUGH. Evidently this is a common Clarkesburg joke, told at the expense of the WILSONS. JIM begins to laugh with the WOMEN, and CHRISTINE chuckles a little, trying to fit in while not really finding the remark funny. JAMIE just stands, not amused in the least.

FIRST WOMAN

In fact, you're the first family we've welcomed to Clarkesburg in a year!

JIM

Really. So I guess the Welcome Wagon isn't too big of a job for you ladies, then, is it?

FIRST WOMAN

Oh, yes it is!

SECOND WOMAN

It is... it is...

THIRD WOMAN

It is... it is...

FIRST WOMAN

We have to get ready. We have to know who's coming, and who to welcome. Not everyone gets welcomed, you know! Only real Clarkesburg kind of people...

CHRISTINE

What does that mean?

SECOND WOMAN

Oh, you know.

THIRD WOMAN

People we don't want to welcome here!

FIRST WOMAN

We also have to get the gifts ready. It's not easy planning a gift that stays within our budget and yet says "Welcome from all of Clarkesburg!" to our new neighbors.

JAMIE

Gift?

THIRD WOMAN

What a dear boy. Yes, it's our custom to welcome newcomers to Clarkesburg with a gift.

SECOND WOMAN

What we've come up with is a little coupon book. Almost everybody in town generously donates something to the coupon book. It saves us a lot of money, and it's a good way for you to meet all the people who do business in downtown Clarkesburg.

FIRST WOMAN

And all of them like the fact that they only have to honor a coupon or two every year. That's what makes them all so generous.

The THIRD WOMAN PRESENTS JIM with a COUPON BOOK. He accepts it with a big smile. This small town hospitality is as good as he expected!

JIM

Thank you. Thanks a lot!

FIRST WOMAN

Well, welcome to Clarkesburg! We're sure you'll love it here.

SECOND WOMAN

Oh, yes.

THIRD WOMAN

Oh, yes.

The WOMEN SHAKE JIM, CHRIS, and JAMIE'S HANDS, and move toward their car.

FIRST WOMAN

We've got to get going! Just call us if you need anything! We're in the book!

JIM

Wait! How did you know that we had arrived in town? We drove through no more than fifteen minutes ago!

The FIRST WOMAN TURNS AROUND.

FIRST WOMAN

Oh, word travels fast in Clarkesburg, Jim Wilson. We hear everything!

JIM's a little puzzled. The WOMEN get in their CAR, and WAVE to them as they DRIVE quickly away.

JAMIE (VO)

And that was all she said. "We hear everything." You'd think that Dad, who had always told me to keep my voice down when I yelled at him because the neighbors would hear, wouldn't like the idea of these old ladies knowing everything within ten minutes of our doing it. But this was Clarkesburg, and different rules applied here. The fact that they were stupid rules didn't seem to bother Dad much. He just wanted them to be different.

JIM

Well, that was nice! You don't see people welcoming you when you move to L.A., do you? It's too bad they couldn't stay longer.

JAMIE

Guess they'd decided they'd done their five minutes of welcoming for the year.

JIM

Well, they were nice enough to take time out and welcome us, weren't they? And they even gave us a gift! Look at all these coupons!

JIM HOLDS the COUPON BOOK up, and THUMBS through it, SHOWING how many pages there are. There are a lot, considering it's a small town.

JIM

There must be one in here for every business in town.

Tell you what, gang! Before the summer's out, we're going to use every one of these coupons! We're going to meet every person in town. Now, there's something else you could never do in L.A.!

JAMIE

Dad, I wouldn't want to meet most of the people in L.A.

JIM

Tell you what: let's go use a couple of the coupons?

JAMIE

Right now?

CHRISTINE

Jim, we've got to start moving things into the house. Let's start getting ourselves moved in before we go exploring Clarkesburg.

JIM

Fair enough, Chris. Fair enough.

JAMIE (VO)

By the next day, I was unpacked. Mom and Dad were still arguing over where the furniture should go.

JIM

I still think the TV would be better in that corner.

CHRISTINE

I want to put the love seat there! You've got room for the T.V. in the study.

JIM

But that's where I'll be writing. I don't want to be interrupted by TV watching.

CHRISTINE

Well, how often do you think we'll be watching the TV? There's no cable TV here. Will we be watching it enough to keep it out here instead of the love seat?

JAMIE (v.o.)

I was bored. They were busy. And I wanted to see if there might be something in town to hold my attention while the Love Seat Debate raged on.

JAMIE

Mind if I walk into town and look around?

JIM

Fine with me. I'd like to come with you, but we'll be working on this room for a while. Just don't be gone too long -- remember, we've got to get up early tomorrow for church.

JAMIE

Okay...

Wait a second. Did you say church?

JIM

Didn't I tell you? See, Jamie, one of the reasons we left L.A. was because there's a moral vacuum there. Out here, in the heartland, people go to Church on Sundays and know right from wrong. And that's how we want to bring you and your sister up.

JAMIE

So I guess my not going is out of the question.

JIM

Right. Hey, I bet you'll like it!

JAMIE

Uh... sure, Dad. Bye, mom.

JAMIE heads for the door.

CHRISTINE

Be careful, Jamie.

JIM

Oh, Chris, this isn't L.A. anymore. Don't worry. There aren't any weirdoes out in Clarkesburg for us to worry about.

RAY

Needs more Mountain Dew.

He starts to put more MOUNTAIN DEW in the concoction.

JAMIE enters the 7-11 and is moving toward the DRINK MACHINE, to get a soft drink of his own.

JAMIE tries to move past RAY and get at the soft drink machine just as RAY turns around from the machine. They don't bump into one another, but RAY is slightly startled by JAMIE's sudden presence.

RAY

Oh! Uh... sorry I was in your way.

JAMIE

Don't worry about it. You weren't in my way, really.

JAMIE, thinking the conversation's over, moves to the DRINK MACHINE to get himself a big cup of Coke. RAY doesn't leave, however. He's curious about JAMIE.

RAY

You're not from Clarkesburg, are you?

JAMIE

Well, I guess I am now.

I just moved here. Yesterday.

RAY

Well, I guess I'll be seeing you around a lot, then.

I'm Ray.

JAMIE

I'm Jim.

RAY

What've you been doing since you got here?

JAMIE

Just moving in, really. I just finished unpacking. Pretty dull.

RAY

Well, get used to it. It'll only get worse from here.

JAMIE

That's reassuring. Thanks.

RAY

Say... you're done packing. You're bored. You've got nothing better to do. Want to help me with something?

JAMIE

With what?

RAY

I can't tell you yet! You've got to agree to help me, first. Hey, it's nothing dangerous!

JAMIE

Sure. Why not?

RAY

Okay. First, we've got to get you ready. Grab a Slurpee cup.

JAMIE looks at RAY for a second, wondering what he's gotten himself into. He looks over at the SLURPEE CUPS. Then he gives in, and walks over to get one.

RAY

Fill it halfway up with a Slurpee.

JAMIE

Which kind?

RAY

"Which kind?" Cherry. Always Cherry!

The thick, syrupy SLURPEE flows into the cup.

RAY

I always enjoy the slimy feeling the Slurpee has going down the back of your throat. Don't you?

JAMIE

I never thought about it.

Hey, am I going to have to drink this?

RAY

Of course!

Hey! Watch it. Don't go above halfway up the cup.

JAMIE pulls the cup away. It's half full.

JAMIE

Now what?

RAY

Coke. Two seconds worth.

JAMIE

Two seconds. Okay...

JAMIE goes to the Coke machine and holds the cup under the dispenser, then PUSHES in the DISPENSING BUTTON.

JAMIE

One... two.

As JAMIE is counting out the seconds, RAY is silently mouthing along with him. When JAMIE finishes, RAY nods. He's carefully talking JAMIE through the whole process like an air traffic controller talking down a person who's never flown a plane before.

RAY

Now, root beer. one second.

JAMIE

Okay... one...

RAY

And Mountain Dew. Three seconds.

JAMIE complies.

JAMIE

One... two... three.

JAMIE pulls the cup away, this time with flair.

JAMIE

Mission accomplished.

RAY

Not yet. Let me taste it.

JAMIE brings the drink to RAY, who takes a first small sip questioningly, then a second a bit more appreciatively.

RAY

Good work.

Let's go.

They go to the COUNTER and put their drinks down. A youthful CLERK stands behind the counter. Ray puts down a FIVE-DOLLAR BILL.

RAY

You'll pay next time.

JAMIE

Sure... I guess.

RAY looks up, as if he's hearing voices in his head.

RAY

Aaaah. Almost forgot.

RAY DASHES to a SHELF filled with ALUMINUM CANS and pulls off a SIX-PACK of orange soda, plunking it down on the 7-11 counter. JAMIE looks at him questioningly. RAY answers as if his answer is obvious.

RAY

For backup.

CLERK

That all, Ray?

RAY

Yeah, Cleetus, that'll be all.

CLERK

I'm charging you Slurpee cost for those drinks of yours, you know. Even though they're not all Slurpee

RAY

Good thinking, Gomer. I guess your boss isn't wasting that three bucks an hour, after all.

CLERK

Got an accomplice tonight, huh?

JAMIE

Uh...

RAY

Yeah, that's right, Zeke.

CLERK

Watch out for him, New Boy. He's not like the rest of us here in town.

RAY

Hey, you got it right this time! Finally mastered sevens, huh Roscoe? Be careful - I hear eights are even trickier!

RAY and JAMIE push out the front door of the 7-11, SLURPEES and SIX-PACK of orange soda in tow.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - SAME DAY

RAY's CAR zips down the road in the late afternoon sun.

CUT TO:

INT. RAY'S CAR - CONCURRENTLY

RAY drives as JAMIE stares ahead.

RAY

I hate guys like that. And this town is full of them. Always making fun of anything that's different. Just about everyone at Clarkesburg High is either a bumpkin like ol' Boss Hogg back there, or they just keep their head low and try not to make any waves.

JAMIE

But not you.

RAY

Nope. But I'm pretty much the only one in the whole damned town. You're gonna love it here, L.A. Boy.

JAMIE

Great. Thanks for the optimism. I'm here two days, and my life is ruined.

RAY

Pretty much.

JAMIE

Okay, Ray. I've made your Slurpee concoction. I've come along for the ride. You gonna tell me where we're going?

RAY

You'll see.

JAMIE

No vandalism.

RAY

Of course not.

JAMIE

Nothing illegal.

RAY

No way.

RAY UNWRAPS the towel. In it is a ceramic GARDEN GNOME.

RAY

Now we're in business!

He lets out a whoop and begins walking down a row of graves. JAMIE follows him, slowly at first, carrying the Slurpees.

RAY

Erickson... no. Wynn... no. Shaw... no. Ah!

He sets the GNOME on a suitable GRAVESITE.

RAY

Frank Johnson. Born April 2, 1921. Died August 28, 1991. Ran Johnson's Liquor Store downtown.

JAMIE

You knew him?

RAY

Not really. But I do my research.

He grabs his SLURPEE from JAMIE.

RAY

Now it's time. Time to make our magic.

JAMIE

Okay...

RAY

Just watch. And learn.

RAY begins DANCING in a circle around the GNOME. He DANCES wildly, like a spastic woodchuck on crack. He lets out occasional WHOOPS. He SIPS from the SLURPEE. He CRIES to the sky. He CALLS OUT the name of the man buried there.

JAMIE looks on with puzzlement. After a short time, JAMIE speaks.

JAMIE

What are you trying to do? Raise the dead?

RAY

Hell, no. I'm just celebrating, that's all. It's a beautiful night at the cemetery, we've got the drinks and the gnome. What more could you ask for?

RAY continues dancing for a while, before speaking to JAMIE while still dancing.

RAY

Come on!

JAMIE is hesitant. But slowly he begins to DANCE with RAY around the GNOME. And he gradually begins to be relaxed about dancing. He's actually having fun, something he hasn't expected to do after leaving L.A.

As they continue to DANCE around the GNOME, we slowly hear RELIGIOUS MUSIC begin to fade up. It becomes louder as we

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHURCH - DAY

A CHURCH SERVICE is in progress at Clarkesburg Methodist Church. The MINISTER is giving a SERMON. Sitting in one of the PEWS is JAMIE, suffering from a lack of sleep. He's FROWNING. He doesn't want to be there. He RUBS his FACE and GROANS.

To JAMIE's left are his PARENTS and BABY SISTER. JIM is smiling. When he and JAMIE look at each other, JIM smiles even more. JAMIE gives him a sarcastic smile and turns away.

Sitting on JAMIE's right is MISTER WILT, an old man wearing an obviously fake white WIG on his head.

As the SERMON continues, WILT begins to stare at Jamie. JAMIE notices his stare, then turns to look at the minister.

WILT continues to stare.

Jamie turns to him again.

WILT

What's your name, boy?

JAMIE

Jim.

WILT

Talk to you after the service, Jim.

JAMIE turns away to look at the minister again.

JAMIE

Sure.

JIM

That was great! I remember the church services I went to as a kid -- they were so boring. But this was a great sermon.

CHRISTINE

I thought it was nice.

WILT WALKS up to the family, approaching JIM first.

WILT

Hello there! Name's Mister Wilt. Pleased to meet you.

He SHAKES JIM's hand.

JIM

I'm Jim Wilson. This is my wife Christine, my daughter Andrea, and my son Jamie.

WILT

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

I've met your boy before, Jim. I was talking to him during the service. You folks are new in Clarkesburg, aren't you?

JIM

Why, yes, we are.

WILT

Well, how about that! We don't get too many newcomers here in town. I wonder-- would you like to come over to my place for a Sunday brunch? My wife, Erma, she's a Baptist, but she's still one hell of a cook.

Seeing as how you're new here, I thought it would be hospitable of me to invite you all over.

JIM's face LIGHTS UP.

JIM

Why, that's very nice of you! We'd love to!

JAMIE ROLLS his eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. WILT'S HOME - DAY

ERMA WILT is serving up PLATES of BACON and EGGS and PANCAKES to the WILSONS and WILT, all of whom are sitting at the Wilts' KITCHEN COUNTER.

WILT

So, how did you folks end up here in Clarkesburg?

As JIM answers, JAMIE notices that WILT's paying more attention to JAMIE than to JIM. WILT WATCHES intently as JAMIE CHEWS his food.

JIM

I got tired of the hectic lifestyle in Los Angeles. My parents grew up just a few miles down the road, in Bucks County, so I figured this might be a good place to go. When the TV show went off the air...

ERMA

Well, you made a wonderful choice! Some people think of Clarkesburg as just a wide spot in the road, but for us, it's a special place.

WILT

It's God's Country, it really is.

CHRISTINE

It's so beautiful here. I really love it.

JAMIE is sick and tired of hearing people proclaim the beauty of this small town.

JAMIE

Can I go outside, Mom? I need some air.

CHRISTINE

Jamie, that's very rude--

WILT

Sounds like a good idea.

Let's go get some air, boy.

WILT

Used to use this shed as a workshop, years ago, Jim my boy. Back then, I wasn't a God-fearing man. I just did my work, and figured that everything else would take care of itself.

WILT shakes his head, knowing how wrong he was back then.

WILT

Turns out, I have to be a God-fearing man. If there aren't enough of us God-fearing men, then Satan wins.

JAMIE LOOKS around, a little unbelieving of the load of God and Satan that WILT's just loaded on him. He can't think of a word to say. WILT continues SPEAKING to him -- whispering, as if he's afraid someone might be listening to them.

WILT

You've heard of Satan, haven't you, boy?

JAMIE

Uh.. yes, sir.

WILT

Of course you have. You're from California, after all. Well, Satan's out there! And he's working against all of us. You've got to fear God if you're going to survive. Understand, Jim?

JAMIE LOOKS around quickly, hoping that someone's come outside to look for them. Then he NODS. WILT also keeps LOOKING around, but he's not looking for help -- he's making sure the minions of Satan aren't around.

WILT

Fearing God's not enough, though. You've got to know the secret. Your parents, they're from California. They can't know the secret. Your sister, she's too young. She can't understand the secret. But you, Jim-boy, you can understand. It's not too late for you!

JAMIE

Well, that's a relief.

WILT

Yes. Yes, it is.

Listen, Jim. This is the secret. Don't tell anyone unless they can be trusted. They've got to pass the test! You understand?

JAMIE

The test?

WILT

When people are eating their food, that's when you've got them! Check to see how many times they bite into the food, boy. Five, ten, those are fine numbers. Twenty's even fine. Up to twenty-two, you've got to problems.

But if that person sinks their teeth into the food one more time, twenty-three, and then swallows, you know they're in on it! They chew their food twenty-three times, then down it goes! Those are the people who work for Satan. Got it, Jim?

JAMIE

Twenty-three times.

WILT

Good, good boy. Now, you've got to be careful! All sorts of people are in on it.

JAMIE

In on it?

WILT

That's right. Why, I remember, back in the '70s, seeing one of those state dinners on TV. Gerald Ford was sitting there, eating sirloin steak. Sure enough, twenty-three bites. You ever seen the Pope eat?

JAMIE

The Pope. No.

WILT

Of course not! That's because he doesn't want anyone to see how many bites he takes. Why, not even Clarkesburg's safe. My wife made chicken for the mayor one night last year, and like clockwork, he chewed on each piece of that bird, twenty-three times.

JAMIE opens his mouth to try and find something to say to WILT about all this.

CUT TO:

ERMA WILT, LOOKING OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

ERMA

Don't scare the boy, dear! Come on back inside, before your brunch gets cold!

WILT

Be right there!

WILT TURNS and POINTS his old bony finger at JAMIE.

WILT

Not a word, Jim. Not a word.

ERMA

So, are you going to go to the Clarke County Fair?

CHRISTINE

I don't know. When is it?

WILT

Next weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday! Oh, you've got to go. Erma and I are going every day... we never miss it.

JIM

A good, old-fashioned country fair. It sounds great. I think we'll go... when should we go?

CHRISTINE

How about Saturday.

ERMA

You won't regret it.

JIM

Does Saturday sound good to you, Jamie?

JAMIE is STARTLED -- he's been watching people eat.

JAMIE

Huh?

JIM

Do going to the fair Saturday sound good to you?

JAMIE

Uh.. sure. Sounds great.

JAMIE takes a bite of food.

WILT

Good. We'll see you there, then.

WILT SMILES at JAMIE, and WINKS. JAMIE STOPS chewing his food and SWALLOWS it whole.

CUT TO:

EXT. CLARKE COUNTY FAIR - DAY

BOOTHS line the GROUNDS at this old-fashioned county FAIR. JAMIE and his PARENTS stand in the middle of a WALKWAY, not far from a row of BOOTHS.

JIM

Okay, we're meeting back here in half an hour to go on the Ferris wheel. Got it?

JAMIE

Got it, Dad.

JIM

Okay. See you then!

JIM waves good-bye, and they walk off to explore other parts of the fairgrounds.

JAMIE wanders past a couple BOOTHS, and then stops when he sees what's going on in one of them: a GIRL, maybe the prettiest girl he's ever seen, is WORKING one of the BOOTHS. People standing at the booth are putting down MONEY in order to throw PING PONG BALLS at small GOLDFISH BOWLS. If their ball lands in the fishbowl, they win the fish.

The girl, SANDY ALLEN, is selling a ping-pong ball to a customer. JAMIE begins to walk to the booth. They lock eyes. He pulls out two QUARTERS.

JAMIE

I'd like one ball, please.

SANDY

Going to win a fish with one throw, huh?

JAMIE

Maybe.

SANDY hands JAMIE a BALL.

SANDY

Good luck.

SANDY smiles at JAMIE. He smiles back. He eyeballs the throw, and lets go. It clinks on the edge of a bowl and ricochets off. No good.

SANDY

Sorry.

SANDY can say no more, because another CUSTOMER puts down a DOLLAR and buys three throws. JAMIE steps back from the booth.

SANDY

Three throws?

There you go. Good luck.

JAMIE is watching her, DUMBSTRUCK by how pretty she is. Suddenly, without warning, RAY APPEARS beside him.

RAY

Sandy Allen, huh?

JAMIE

That's her name? Sandy Allen?

RAY

Yeah. Lives a few blocks down the street from you.

JAMIE

Oh....

JAMIE's paying more attention to SANDY than to RAY.

RAY

I've known her for years. You could say she and I have a... relationship.

Now RAY's got JAMIE's attention.

JAMIE

You have a relationship-- with her?

RAY

Sure. I look at her, and she ignores me. It seems to work great for both of us.

JAMIE

She's gorgeous.

RAY

Hey, you're talking to the expert on Sandy Allen here. You don't have to convince me. She could make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window.

Their CONVERSATION is interrupted by a SHOUTING MATCH that has ERUPTED behind them.

WILT (OFF-SCREEN)

You know all about it! I know about you and your friends!

JAMIE

Huh?

They TURN AROUND to see what's going on. Behind them, MISTER WILT and another man, the MAYOR of Clarkesburg, are ARGUING.

MAYOR

What are you talking about? I know all about what?

WILT

You know what I mean, Mister Mayor. You're in on it.

MAYOR

I don't know what you mean, Wilt. Look, let's just shake hands and...

WILT

I'm not shaking hands with the likes of you!

RAY

Oh, God. Wilt's at it again. He claims everyone's in on some sort of conspiracy. Nobody knows quite what's behind it all, though.

The MAYOR walks away from WILT in disgust.

WILT

Go ahead, walk away, Mayor. But we all know what you're up to. Don't try and deny it!

RAY

Only Wilt knows who's in on it, I guess.

He turns to JAMIE, only to see that JAMIE's looking back at the FISH BOOTH and SANDY ALLEN.

RAY

You can watch her with me, if you want.

JAMIE's not really paying attention. Before he can say anything else, RAY hears a voice calling him. It's LESLIE, who is in her mid-teens.

LESLIE

Ray! Come on! Daddy won't go on the tilt-a-whirl with me! You've got to come with me!

JAMIE

Your sister, huh?

RAY

No. It's my Dad's girlfriend. Look, I'll see you around, okay?

JAMIE

Sure...

RAY

Thanks for the lively conversation.

RAY walks away with LESLIE. JAMIE continues watching SANDY. He slowly begins MOVING closer to the BOOTH. We see SANDY give PING-PONG BALLS to another CUSTOMER. Then SANDY looks up, right at JAMIE. She SMILES, recognizing him.

SANDY

Back for another try?

JAMIE

I sure am. This time for sure!

JAMIE SMILES, and puts down a DOLLAR BILL.

SANDY

Oh, spending the big money now, huh?

That's three balls, coming up.

SANDY grabs three BALLS and gives them to JAMIE. He winds up and begins to throw the first ball.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JAMIE'S ROOM - NIGHT

We slowly TRACK across JAMIE's desk. On it are a dozen DRINKING GLASSES, each one containing one GOLDFISH. As we continue to move, we see JAMIE sitting on his bed, thumbing through the PHONE BOOK.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FROSTY - DAY

JAMIE and SANDY are sitting, eating together. They appear to be having a good time.

JAMIE

I think one of the reasons he wanted to move was because he never saw us. I mean, other than the month at the beginning of the summer when they were done with one year's worth of scripts and hadn't started on the next year, he was working six or seven days a week, ten hours a day. I probably spent more time watching re-runs of the show than with my Dad.

SANDY

So how do you like seeing more of him now?

JAMIE

I don't know... First off, I don't see much more of him. He's busy working on his novel, because he's worried about money. He says we've got a lot of TV money in the bank, but he wants to be sure we're safe. So he wants to get his book done.

SANDY

So how's he doing with it?

JAMIE

Let me put it this way: we're on our third birdhouse.

SANDY

What does that mean?

JAMIE

Dad bought some wood down at the hardware store last week. He said he was going to build a birdhouse because it was the "Small Town" thing to do -- the Small Town Thing To Do is very big with him. So every time he's frustrated with the book, or has writer's block, he jumps out his office window into the backyard and starts sawing and hammering. He finished the first birdhouse in a day. That's how well the novel's going.

SANDY

Three birdhouses.

Well, my Dad's not like that. He goes to work, comes home, and tries to organize a family activity. We go out to do something maybe twice or three times a week, whether it's bowling or softball or a movie. It's fun and all, but it kinda makes it hard to get all your homework done. I would've failed my SAT's if Dad had his way -- the night before the exam, he wanted us all to go see a movie. If the rest of the family hadn't stuck up for me, he would've made me go.

JAMIE

SAT's?

SANDY

Yeah. I graduated last month. I'm leaving for Northwestern in August.

JAMIE smiles, disappointed.

JAMIE

Wow. I've got two more years before I have to worry about that..

SANDY

You're lucky. I've been worrying about it for years -- my older brother just graduated from Notre Dame, and my sister Julie's a junior at Yale. Half of Dad was pressuring me to do a well as them.

JAMIE

And the other half?

SANDY

I think that half kind of hoped I just wouldn't go to college. Putting three kids through college is expensive. And the other two are going to be going in a few years, too...

JAMIE

Five kids, huh?

SANDY

Yeah. I told you family was important to my Dad. I think it's a Catholic thing.

JAMIE

So you're all Catholics?

SANDY

I guess. I've got the gold cross and the beads, if that's what you mean. But there's no Catholic church in Clarkesburg, and Dad doesn't make us all drive out to the one in Holidaysburg except at Christmas and Easter. I could take it or leave it.

JAMIE

So your family's not originally from Clarkesburg?

SANDY

No... we moved here from New Hampshire eight years ago.

Don't worry about it. It's not as bad as you think. Not everyone here is stuck in the fifties.

JAMIE

I don't know. Some of them I've met seem to be stuck in the 1750s. Do you know Mister Wilt?

SANDY

I hear he's kind of a nut. Thinks everyone's on a conspiracy. People say the only reason the Clarkesburg Cinema showed "JFK" was so Wilt could see it.

JAMIE laughs.

JAMIE

His wife's nice, though.

SANDY takes a bite of food.

JAMIE

Uh-oh...

SANDY

Uh-oh? What does that mean?

JAMIE

I'd better be careful of you. You might be in on it. How many times do you chew your food before swallowing it?

SANDY

I never checked.

JAMIE watches her chew.

JAMIE

One... two... three... four... five... six.

SANDY finishes, swallows, and then laughs.

SANDY

Do I pass?

JAMIE

Yeah. I don't think there's anything to worry about.

JAMIE smiles at SANDY. She smiles back. He takes a sip of his drink.

CUT TO:

EXT. FROSTY - CONCURRENTLY

WE SEE a clear view of JAMIE and SANDY through the restaurant WINDOW. MOVE BACK to reveal RAY, looking at the couple through the window with binoculars.

He sucks on a Slurpee he's got with him. He's not angry; he's just intently watching his subjects.

In the restaurant, JAMIE and SANDY are laughing and talking.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WILSON'S HOUSE - EVENING

SANDY'S CAR drives up next to the WILSON'S HOUSE and PARKS. The LIGHTS on the car go off. A BIRDHOUSE sits out in front of the house.

CUT TO:

INT. SANDY'S CAR - CONCURRENTLY

WE SEE them from the front of the car. Through the REAR WINDSHIELD, WE SEE RAY'S CAR park half a block behind them and turn its lights out.

JAMIE

Thanks for driving.

SANDY

No problem. A lot of my younger friends don't have cars.

Jamie, I know I'm going away at the end of the summer, but I was wondering -- do you mind if I call you?

JAMIE chuckles. He was expecting to be let down easy by her.

JAMIE

No, not at all. Do you mind if I call you?

SANDY

Not at all.

JAMIE

Good night!

She WAVES back from inside.

SANDY

Good night.

She smiles, STARTS the car, and drives off.

CUT TO:

RAY'S CAR starts up down the block, and begins ROLLING FORWARD toward JAMIE.

CUT TO:

JAMIE watches SANDY'S CAR drive away. RAY'S CAR pulls up into the place where her car just was.

RAY hops out of the car.

RAY

I don't believe it! You went on a date with Sandy Allen!

JAMIE

Yeah, I guess I did.

RAY

You actually talked to her!

JAMIE

Yeah.

RAY gives him the THUMBS-UP sign.

RAY

Cool. I gotta get going. I'll call you tomorrow.

RAY breaks for his car door.

JAMIE

Okay. See you tomorrow.

RAY drives off. JAMIE turns to walk inside. He stops, starts to smile, shakes his head in amazement, and walks toward the DOOR.

CUT TO:

INT. WILSON'S HOUSE - CONCURRENTLY

JAMIE walks in the door. His mother calls out from the Kitchen, where she's washing the dishes.

CHRISTINE (O.S.)

Jamie? That you?

JAMIE

Yeah. Hi, Mom.

JAMIE walks to her in the KITCHEN. His mother shuts off the WATER.

CHRISTINE

So, did you have a good time?

JAMIE

Oh, yeah. It was fun.

Where's Dad?

CHRISTINE points toward JIM'S OFFICE.

JAMIE

Did he come out for Dinner?

CHRISTINE

He came out an hour or so before dinner, in fact. I had to call him in from outside.

JAMIE

Oh, no...

CHRISTINE

Birdhouse Three is now freshly painted.

Unfortunately, this family isn't going to live off of birdhouse revenue.

JAMIE

So the book's not working?

CHRISTINE

I can't see how it could be. But don't worry, Jamie. We'll be fine. He'll get it done -- he always does. And when Andi's a little older, I can go back to work, too. We'll be fine. We're not going to go back to California.

She turns away, moving back to the dishwasher.

JAMIE

Oh.

JAMIE turns around and begins to walk down the hall.

JAMIE (VO)

The thing was, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go back to California anymore. Which shocked me.

I guess that's what girls can do to you.

JAMIE stops at his father's office door. He opens it a crack. WE SEE, inside, JIM staring at a computer screen. JIM doesn't notice that JAMIE'S opened the door.

JAMIE (VO)

I actually wanted my Dad to finish his book.

CHRISTINE

So, Sandy, did you like the service?

SANDY

Yeah, I did. It was a lot more entertaining than the Catholic services my family goes to on Holidays...

At the mention of the word "Catholic," WILT perks up, sensing a CONSPIRACY.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WILT'S HOME - DAY

ERMA WILT is refilling SANDY'S glass full of ORANGE JUICE. WILT and the WILSONS also sit at the table. WILT is looking intently at SANDY.

ERMA

So, how long have you known Jamie?

SANDY

Almost a month now.

ERMA

It's too bad you have to go off to College so soon, so you won't be able to spend more time together.

ERMA winks at CHRISTINE. SANDY eats a PANCAKE. WILT watches her every BITE.

JAMIE takes a bite of PANCAKE.

ERMA

Don't worry, though. You'll like Clarkesburg High, Jamie. It's one of the best in the state!

JAMIE nods, but can't speak. He's got food in his mouth. SANDY answers for him. JAMIE notices WILT is staring at him. He swallows a large chunk of PANCAKE, worried that WILT is counting his chews, too.

SANDY

I enjoyed going there. My senior English teacher was the best...

ERMA

You know, I went to Clarkesburg High way back when.

JIM

I bet it was a lot smaller back then!

ERMA

Clarkesburg hasn't changed too much over the years, really.

JAMIE

I hadn't noticed.

WILT

Say, Jamie! I've got something to show you back at the work shed! Come on back with me.

ERMA

Don't be too long, dear.

Both JAMIE and WILT begin to walk to the door.

WILT

Oh, we won't be long, Erma.

WILT

You've got to watch out for that girl, Jim-boy. She's not going to give you anything but trouble.

JAMIE stops and turns to WILT.

JAMIE

What do you mean? Do you know something I don't?

WILT

No, I know something you know! You should know better than to hang around with a Catholic!

JAMIE

That's what this is all about? What does her being Catholic matter?

WILT

What does it matter? I told you about the Pope! He's working with Satan! All the Catholics are under the pope. He's their leader, and Satan's his leader. So your little girly-friend is ruled by Satan!

JAMIE

Come on, Mister Wilt. She only goes to Mass a couple times a year, and that's only because her Dad makes the whole family come. Besides, she came to church with us today!

WILT

Sure, that's what she wants you to think. That's she's not in on it. But she is, Jim-boy, she is. She's trying to find out what we know. You didn't tell her anything, did you?

JAMIE

No, not really, but--

They're interrupted by ERMA, calling from the window again.

ERMA

The Wilsons are getting ready to leave! You boys better come on back in!

WILT points a finger at JAMIE again.

WILT

Don't let her fool you, boy!

SANDY

What was that about?

JAMIE

I'm not sure you want to know.

JIM

Erma, your brunches get better every time we come over!

CHRISTINE

We really have to have you and Mister Wilt over to our place sometime.

ERMA

That would be wonderful.

WILT begins to walk to a WINDOW. He looks out the WINDOW and can see JAMIE and SANDY outside. They are talking.

WILT gives a GRUNT of disapproval. But his EYES stay LOCKED on the couple.

CUT TO:

EXT. WILT'S BACKYARD - CONCURRENT

We see a REVERSE ANGLE of JAMIE and SANDY. PULL BACK to reveal RAY, HIDDEN in a BUSH on WILT's property, watching them through his trusty BINOCULARS.

MONTAGE MUSIC fades up.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WILSON'S HOUSE - DAY

JAMIE and SANDY sitting, holding hands and talking.

Out of the house comes JIM with a new BIRDHOUSE. He puts it down on the FRONT LAWN. JAMIE and SANDY share a (private) laugh.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD - EVENING

RAY and JAMIE dance around their GNOME. JAMIE is dancing like an expert now, far more relaxed with his dance than the previous time we've seen him here. They're both LAUGHING and enjoying themselves as they sip on their SLURPEES.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. NATURE AREA - DAY

JAMIE and SANDY are walking. JAMIE puts his arms around her.

CUT TO:

RAY, behind a TREE, watching them with BINOCULARS.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WILT'S HOUSE - DAY

WILT and JAMIE sit at a table. ERMA sets plates of PIE in front of them. Sitting on the TABLE are several FLYERS and BROCHURES advertising various CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

MONTAGE MUSIC begins to FADE.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WILSON'S HOUSE - DAY

JAMIE and SANDY stand outside. There is a long pause.

JAMIE

I don't want you to go.

SANDY

Thanksgiving. We'll see each other at Thanksgiving.

JAMIE

That's a long time from now. I'm scared for you.

SANDY

Don't be. I'll have a great time in Chicago. It'll be Thanksgiving before you know it.

JAMIE

You're right. You're right. I knew you were leaving all along, didn't I?

SANDY

Yeah. Both of us did.

He can hardly look at her.

SANDY

I should go. My parents wanted to leave about half an hour ago. They'll kill me.

JAMIE

Okay. Have a good trip.

SANDY

Thanks. Have a good school year.

JAMIE

I'll try.

She comes CLOSE to him, almost ready to kiss him.

SANDY

Bye, Jamie. I won't forget to write.

She KISSES him.

Then she PULLS AWAY, holding on to his hands for a moment. Then she turns and walks away. JAMIE watches her go. From behind him, WE SEE RAY emerge from bushes and stand next to JAMIE, joining in his wave.

JAMIE suddenly notices RAY standing next to him.

RAY

Hey. Gnomes tonight?

JAMIE

I don't think so.

RAY

It is because of her?

JAMIE

I'm not not in a dancin' mood right now. Maybe tomorrow.

RAY

Cool. See you tomorrow.

RAY walks down the block the other way. JAMIE turns to look at SANDY, who is almost out of sight. He sighs.

JAMIE

Three months.

CHRISTINE

Jamie?

JAMIE pulls the PILLOW off his head and turns over.

CHRISTINE

I've got some terrible news.

MINISTER

While mortal men fear death, yet we know that death is just a new beginning. Mister Wilt has crossed over into his new spiritual life. And so we commit this man to you, Lord. He has spent his life on this Earth well. May you keep his soul well in heaven. Amen.

MOURNERS

Amen.

ERMA

Thank you.

JAMIE approaches her.

JAMIE

Mrs. Wilt...

ERMA

Oh, Jamie. I'm glad you could come. Mister Wilt really liked you.

JAMIE

I'm sorry.

ERMA

So am I. I always knew he'd go like that, right during dinner. It was a T-Bone steak, you know. And pretty tough. But that was Mister Wilt, Jamie. I always told him he needed to chew his food better. He never listened to me.

CHRISTINE and JIM now step up to speak with ERMA.

CHRISTINE

Erma, We're so sorry.

ERMA

Thank you.

JAMIE turns away from ERMA, to see RAY standing not too far away, near the coffin He walks over to RAY, who is staring at WILT.

JAMIE follows RAY's stare.

CUT TO:

WILT'S HEAD in close-up, wigless.

CUT TO:

RAY and JAMIE.

RAY

Look at that. Wilt's hair was a wig. I thought so!

JAMIE looks at RAY with puzzlement. It was obvious that Wilt's hair was a wig.

JAMIE

Nice outfit.

RAY

Hey, it's a funeral. I'm not going to blow the dress code for one of these.

JAMIE

Good choice.

A PIANO PLAYER begins playing a SPIRITUAL. WE MOVE IN slowly on JAMIE.

JAMIE

Get the Gnome ready. We're going tonight.

RAY nods.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY - SUNSET

TIGHT IN on FLOWERS, laid on a freshly-dug GRAVE, so new it has no headstone.

A GNOME is set down suddenly, next to the FLOWERS.

We PULL BACK to reveal JAMIE and RAY standing over the GRAVE. RAY holds two SLURPEES.

JAMIE

Mister Wilt. Born 1920. Died yesterday. Believer in conspiracy theories. Married a baker of good pies.

JAMIE holds out his hand. RAY hands him a SLURPEE.

They begin to DANCE around WILT's grave, RAY led by JAMIE.

CUT TO:

MORE DISTANT SHOT as the dance continues. We continue PULLING BACK, away from the dancers.

JAMIE (VO)

I guess you could say my summer didn't end too well. Two of the three people I really got to know were gone by the time school started -- one off to school, one off to find out if he was right about Satan, the Pope, and Gerald Ford.

My last friend left was a weird-dressing Gnome worshipper who couldn't tell the world's worst wig from real hair.

My parents said they were worried I would rebel against them for moving me out of L.A., away from my friends. They told me they're glad I've settled in here, especially since Dad finally finished his book and sold it.

JAMIE (VO)

I think I'm glad I've settled in, too, all things considered. I could think of worse places to spend my last two years of high school.

Oh, one more thing before I go: let my Dad know if you'd like to buy a birdhouse. We've got about two dozen to spare, and Dad says he's getting ready to write another book. This one's supposed to be the true story of our moving to Clarkesburg.

I'm skeptical, of course. Not even moving me to the middle of nowhere will change that part of me.

CREDITS roll over the field.