For starters, the NBA All-Star game -- usually (aside from the SI issue) the highlight of February sports -- was even better than usual, mostly because of the appearance of Magic Johnson. It was great to see Magic back in action, and the play of the other All-Stars made me even more anxious to see that U.S.-Ecuador Olympic basketball match-up. My pick for bettors? If someone gives you Ecuador and 80 points, turn it down.
This is the first year I've ever had cable TV, and so I looked forward to being able to watch the exciting three-point and slam dunk competitions in their entirety. I ended up being bored silly, with the exception of the brilliant three-point clinic put on by Jim Les of the Sacramento Kings. Seriously.
Jim Les? How did they let this guy anywhere near the rest of the All-Stars? Did he mistake the NBA All-Star Game for the CBA's All-Star Dunk-o-rama? Did I?
Still, Les was far more interesting than the slam-dunk competition, which was won by famous dunker Cedric Ceballos. Ceballos barely edged out Larry Johnson, Betty Broderick, Don Rickles, and some drifter named Arnie that NBA officials picked up on the interstate near the arena.
Ceballos' best dunk was his last, after he had already clinched the victory -- he dunked blindfolded. It was impressive, sure, but I've seen similar feats before. In fact, the whole competition seemed to lack creativity.
Now, I have my own idea about what a truly creative dunk would be. I'm keeping my idea for next year's winning dunk a secret for now, but I'll give you a hint: it involves Willard Scott and a flying monkey.
In addition to the NBA All-Star Game, February, you've chosen to give us the Winter Olympics. I like the Winter Olympics, I really do -- and I'll admit that figure skating, downhill skiing and ice hockey can all be really interesting spectator sports.
But you people are missing out on the best sports of all if you just stick to skating, skiing and hockey. You're missing luge (it's like sledding... on ice!), curling (it's like bowling... on ice!), bobsledding (see "luge"), and the biathlon (it's like skiing... with a gun!).
So that's what I'll be doing for the next week or so -- while the rest of the people are watching skating and skiing, I'll be watching luge, curling, and bobsledding. And maybe I'll watch a little ice hockey while I'm at it, especially if there's a fight or a bikini contest of some kind. Hey, that's what hockey is all about, isn't it?
Damn you, February. You also gave us exciting court cases to follow -- and I'm not talking about John Gotti. I'm talking about our favorite serial buttocks fondler/follower of the Lord, Mike Tyson. See him raise his fists in victory at an Indianapolis church! Hear his high, whiny voice say how he used the "F-word" in the company of his accuser! Watch as the jury doesn't buy the story of a lifetime thug and sends him up the river!
Little-Known Prison Fact #239: As a former heavyweight champion, Mike Tyson will be able to pick which inmate will be his girlfriend (Jim Bakker take note).
Ah, February, you're a cruel month. But with February here, can March be far behind? And in March, we will find not only a college basketball tournament, but baseball's Spring Training.
Baseball... now there's a sport. None of this hockey, basketball and boxing stuff. Baseball. The American pastime. The game that can be loved by everyone... and loves everyone in return.
Uh... at least, unless you're Japanese.