Let me make this perfectly clear: I'm spiteful, but not that spiteful.
I'm not from San Francisco, and I'm not from anywhere in the Bay Area. I'm from Northern California, far away from the big cities. In the middle of nowhere.
And I don't hate Los Angeles.
Well, not much.
In fact, on days like this I actually feel a great pity for the city of Los Angeles. True, I've exulted at some of the tragedies that have befallen them, but some of L.A.'s failing are truly heart-wrenching.
Let's hit the big open sore first -- those Dodgers. As a fan of the (fourth-place, as Wounded Ken reminds me) San Francisco Giants, I'm required to dislike the Dodgers. The rivalry has been there since the old days in New York and Brooklyn. It's my duty to focus hate on that Big Dodger in the Sky.
But this year, I feel for the Dodgers, in a way. They were overtaken by a ghost, a phantom -- the Atlanta Braves. The Braves were picked no higher than fourth or fifth by most baseball "experts," including me. But they won, with proven losers like Terry Pendleton suddenly piling up massive numbers. They won with flaky unknowns like Tommy Glavine, John Smoltz, and Steve Avery having impressive years.
And everyone was pulling for the Braves this year, down the stretch. America likes an underdog. (Unless it's Olympic basketball, in which case they want a tactical nuke.) The Dodgers are the Big Time Team, the one that always wins. The Braves are local boys made good.
I pity the Dodgers, in a way. They were the high-priced talent, the guns for hire. The Dodgers spent good money on their players, and they got ripped off... by a team with guys like Sid Bream and Jim Clancy. I'd rather have Tom Clancy pitching for me than Jim Clancy.
Then, to add insult to injury, the team that knocks the Dodgers out of it has to be the hated Giants. (At least the Dodgers were in it until the end, Wounded Ken reminds me.)
So it was Saturday afternoon, and the Dodgers were DOA. Who to turn to next? The UCLA Bruins, who were squaring off in football against the California Golden Bears. Yes, another L.A.-Bay Area match-up.
UCLA, playing at home, against Cal. Cal hadn't beaten UCLA two years in a row for almost 40 years. Cal won by a field goal... a 48-yard field goal.
No luck for the Bruins. They're making their climb back to prominence, they've been ranked in the Top 25... and they're playing a Top 20 Cal team, the first Top 20 Cal team since the '70s. Tough break. (Wounded Ken would remind me that the Bruins have won far more Cal-UCLA games than the Bears.)
So Cal's now ranked 13th in the country. After years of tearing Cal apart, UCLA suddenly finds itself getting beaten by them. And on the same weekend, the Dodgers get zapped by the Giants.
Ouch.
I feel for Los Angeles. I really do.
Then came the worst of it. The Raiders, L.A.'s pride, get beaten by the San Diego Chargeheads. Art Shell gets bested at coaching by Dan Henning. (Wounded Ken must point out that even at .500, the Raiders are still having a better season than the 49ers.)
Dan Henning. Well, anything's possible. That's what makes being a sports fan so interesting -- the Chargers can win a game, the Braves (and Twins) can win a division, and Cal can go 4-0 to start the season.
It's just that -- for this weekend only -- all of the bad things that could possibly happen, happened to Los Angeles teams. You get the feeling that Candide might wear a Dodgers hat while he's cultivating his garden.
But, hey, things are looking up in L.A. After all, it's NHL season again.
And not only are the Kings looking good this year, but they don't have to worry about getting beaten by any Bay Area hockey team.
What, the San Jose Sharks? Are you kidding?
Well, stranger things have happened. Just ask Ken.