Stupidfest 91: Padres vs. Chargers

Ah, September in San Diego. And, as usual, it's the Fall of our discontent.

Everyone's back in school. The weather's begun to change. If there were real seasons in this part of the state, the leaves would be turning colors and covering the ground.

The Padres are nowhere near pennant contention. The Chargers' season is already a total loss, after only one-quarter of the games have been played. And since the city's only NBA team up and left town years ago, there's nothing to look forward to... except maybe some indoor soccer, if the league doesn't fold. And some minor league hockey, if the league doesn't fold.

And beyond that? Padre spring training, the time when hope springs eternal. Fans hope the Padres will put it together. And Tony Gwynn hopes that, maybe just this year, people in San Diego will realize he's the best hitter in baseball and treat him as he deserves to be treated. Naah.

Big sports town.

Though both the Chargers and the Padres are playing right now, it's the Chargers that are the big story. The Padres have been losing all year; the Chargers just started. We've known for months that Padre Manager Greg Riddoch has no clue -- now we're learning the same thing about Dan Henning.

Henning's a perplexing coach. This summer, I had the chance to interview him while I was interning at a local TV station. Henning dislikes the media, to put it mildly. He doesn't like to give straight answers. This can't be held against him -- if a group of people felt it was their job to attack my job performance every day in public, I'd probably dislike them, too.

If you can get Henning to actually answer a question, you might consider yourself lucky. It's like being present at a miracle, as if Axl Rose suddenly learned how to sing or the Sacramento Kings learned how to draft. But Henning's answers aren't worth the celebration -- they're usually perplexing, nothing more than reiterations of the questions he's been posed.

Is John Friesz the starting quarterback? you'd ask him.

He's the person we plan on starting Sunday, He'd say.

So he's the starting quarterback, the reporters ask.

I didn't say that, Henning replies.

The cryptic rantings of an 0-5 head coach. He's probably wondering if he should have signed the year-long lease at his spacious Lemon Grove condo.

Henning is a Draft Pick Coach, plain and simple. The kind of guy who gets noticed because his teams are packed with young players with high expectations. Why? Because the guy's teams always finish among the worst in the league. Remember the last time the Atlanta Falcons really, really stunk? I mean, even worse than the Chargers (who lost to the Falcons this year... at home)?

Dan Henning was the coach.

In one sense, you've got to pity the guy. He gets it every Monday from Los Angeles Times writer T.J. Simers' "Charger Report Card." Coaching: Grade F was Simers' verdict last week. As it has been most of the year.

Like I said, it's not as if he doesn't deserve it. But you can't blame the guy for being bitter. Sure, he's bitter. His team is 0-5. Winning records are something Henning's not used to. He's working with a young quarterback. (He demoted the old one, who was promptly traded.) He's acting as offensive coordinator. (He fired the old one.)

A Draft Pick Coach. And yet Chargers General Manager Bobby Beathard says Henning's the guy. No firings here, no sir. At least not until the end of the season.

The only team dumber than the Chargers, it seems, is the Padres. The Padres are almost done with their nightmarish 1991 descent into the flames of hell. And the man who piloted them into the center of the netherworld, right past the upside-down popes and every boxing promoter who ever lived, was Greg Riddoch. Riddoch was driving the express bus to the center circle of Satanville, escorting Bip and Tony and the boys right past the people who spit on nuns and pickpocket priests.

The year's over. It's time to let the guy go. And what's the Padre front office saying? He might be back next year.

Let me get this straight. Riddoch, who has been declared an incompetent manager by just about everyone on the planet, might be back? Every player who has left the Padres says that morale here is at an all-time low. Anonymous sources have said to local media that Riddoch's a joke. The man can't even control the attacks on Tony Gwynn that started late last year and still continue. And he certainly doesn't seem to be able to win.

He might be back? I'd rather have Dan Henning. Well, maybe not.

Last week, Riddoch joined UCSD's very own Bob Moss in giving an inspirational lecture to the UCSD women's volleyball team. Moss, who is a Physical Education instructor, is a great person. He brings incredible amounts of enthusiasm to any situation, and teaches people the power of laughter -- laughter at good things and bad things, and especially at one's self. I can understand the use of Moss as a motivational speaker. He's without par.

Perhaps the volleyball team needs motivation. They're a dynasty, a dominant force in the game. They've held ten NCAA Division III Women's Volleyball tournaments. UCSD has won six of them. And unlike the Padres' leader, just about everyone agrees that Doug Dannevik, the team's head coach, is extremely good at what he does.

So if these women need motivation, Moss is a good choice. I'm sure he told them about playing for the enjoyment of the sport, playing hard and trying to win, but not at the expense of having fun.

Perhaps Riddoch's got some experience in the motivational speaking area, too. After all, the Padres have sure needed some motivating this year. But whatever Riddoch has tried on them, it sure seems to have failed.

We can only hope that Riddoch's Padre Aura doesn't rub off on the Women's Volleyball team. It shouldn't -- they're proven winners, which is more than we can say for the Padres.

But if Vikki Van Duyne finds a voodoo doll of herself in her locker after a match sometime, don't say I didn't warn you.

Motivation the Padre Way is one thing we can all live without.