How to Live Life as a Winner

I actually got a death threat because of this column. Talk about taking your sports too seriously. Sheesh...

Because Sunday is the day that the NCAA selects the 64 teams that will play in the NCAA tournament, my thoughts are turning to college hoops. And especially the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.

Jerry Tarkanian's boys have been ranked number one all year. Hell, they haven't lost a game. And I doubt that they'll lose any tournament games, either.

The Runnin' Rebels are winners, plain and simple. I don't have a history of being affiliated with winning sports teams -- for example, my eighth grade basketball team lost every game it played, including one 82-2 pasting.

In fact, the day after we lost by 80, I went to school with a paper bag over my head.

Because of this winning past, I'm fascinated by UNLV. What are the lives of those players like? Hmm. Here's my theory.

A UNLV Hoop Star's Day:

• Wake up, jump in shower, dress, get books, head off to class.

• Today's lecture in Casino Management 100: "Tricky Card Facts: Jacks are Really Worth 11."

• Go to internship at local casino. Pick up $1,000 check from pit boss.

• Drive Jaguar down to bank. Deposit money.

• Return to campus for Casino Management section. Topic: "Exacting Payment from Cheapskates." Your TA is Bobby "The Kneecap" Grizella.

• Go to team practice. Tell Mrs. Tarkanian that she's pretty. Tell Coach Tarkanian that he's not a crook.

• Lay-ups. Shoot around. More lay-ups.

• Practice ends so that new checks can be distributed.

• Drive Ferrari down to bank. Deposit money.

• Lunchtime. Time for a relaxing break from the hectic life of a Division I basketball star.

  Will it be the Prime Rib or the New York Steak today? Decisions, decisions.

• Another class. Fortunately, this one's a little easier. It's a cross-listed Physical Education/Political Science class on Athletic Law. Today: "Rules of the NCAA."

• Growing sadness at the realization that you might have missed breaking a few of them. The sadness ebbs when you realize that you're being paid more than the professor.

• Give a prospective player the campus tour: gym, weight room, lecture hall, casino laboratory, hotel laboratory, sports arena.

• Give the recruit a check.

• Drive Mercedes down to bank. Open bank account for recruit.

• More practice. Lay-ups. Mock game. Rub Tark's head for luck.

• As practice ends, pass UNLV athletic director in tunnel. He tells you that he's finished pressing your shirts, but hasn't gotten the bloodstain out of the blue one yet. You tell him to be quick about it, and hit the showers.

• Dinnertime. Dinner tonight is with an athletic booster. He says he's willing to pay you $20/hour to work at his auto dealership this summer.

  "You can work 40, 60, 80 hours a week if you want," he says. "Come in whenever you want. Heck, don't even come in. We'll pay you anyway."

  With summertime employment covered, the time comes to consider another dilemma: will it be the crab or lobster?

• After dinner, it's time to study. Go home and play a game of poker with the guys. Remember the Jack is worth 11. Be sure that nobody in the room has a loaded gun.

• Drive Lamborghini down to bank. Deposit poker winnings.

• Head back to campus. As you're waling back to your room, you're stopped by another booster. He reminds you about the recruitment trip to the state prison that's scheduled for after the tournament. You wonder if the state prison has changed much since you were there.

• Reserve first-class seat on plane to Final Four.

• Nod off into dreamland. Nobody said being a student-athlete would be easy.

I bet Larry Johnson never wore a bag over his head.