Open on STUDIO magazine show set. Correspondent is in chair in front of CHROMA-KEY background with "file" on the story.
CORRESPONDENT
If you're watching this program, chances are pretty good that you're watching it on cable TV. Over half of all homes in the United States are wired for cable, and the average home now receives over 20 different television channels.
(beat)
But while you may have cable, chances are good that you don't get the channel known as HIT -- Human Interest Television. And if you do get HIT, chances are good that you don't watch it. And you're not alone.
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
The HIT channel is perhaps the lowest-rated cable channel in America. On its best day, it may be seen by 50 thousand people. Its programming is made up of several cheap talk and news shows and hours of paid television announcements, called "infomercials."
[shot of rickety building]
CORRESPONDENT
What there is of HIT is run out of here, a small building in San Diego, California. That building is where these two men, Jeffrey Walker and Michael Stewart, control what they see as a burgeoning television empire. Walker, who holds a communication degree from the University of California, San Diego, is the majority owner and president of HIT. Stewart, a graduate of the Iowa Institute of Public Access Programming Technology, is HIT's minority owner and program director.
WALKER
We see television as being in the best interests of all human beings. Television brightens our darkest days and vice versa. That's why we called our channel Human Interest TV.
STEWART
(smiling)
Humans are certainly interested in TV, if you see what we mean.
CORRESPONDENT
But are they interested in your channel?
WALKER
(a bit hurt and perplexed)
What do you mean?
CORRESPONDENT
What about HIT's low ratings? Some would say HIT is the lowest-rated national TV network in existence.
WALKER
Well, I'd discount that suggestion, of course. Off the top of my head, I know of at least one channel that has lower ratings than us.
STEWART
The Eskimo Channel.
WALKER
The Eskimo Channel, right. Actually, their ratings do beat ours handily in Alaska, but we beat them everywhere else.
CORRESPONDENT
But still, you've got to admit your ratings are low.
WALKER
Relative to what?
CORRESPONDENT
Relative to almost every other cable channel.
STEWART
You really can't compare us with other channels, though. What we offer is of a measurably different quality than what other channels offer these days.
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
There would be very few people to contest Stewart's claim. The quality of HIT's TV shows are readily apparent. For example, take a look at this talk show that recently appeared on the channel.
We cut to a shot of a talk show set in front of a green curtain. Walker and Stewart are the only ones in the shot.
WALKER
So, what did you do after leaving Iowa?
STEWART
I moved around a lot, got into a little trouble with the law here and there, then moved to California and began to work at a local cable access station in San Clemente.
WALKER
San Clemente -- former home of Richard Nixon. I've heard that the Nixons held a lot of parties at their place. True?
STEWART
No, that's not true at all. But I've been told that when they did hold a party, they'd go all out. They say the food was great.
WALKER
What kind of food would they make?
STEWART
I've heard they'd make these cute little hors d'oeuvres out of crab meat and ritz crackers...
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
Yes, that's Stewart being the guest on a talk show hosted by Walker. And if having the station management be both guest and host on a show strikes you funny, how about this show?
The green curtain again, but with Stewart and Walker's positions switched.
STEWART
So, what do you think about this whole Gulf War thing?
WALKER
I think it's terrible that people are dying over there. And it's bad for the environment, too. Lots of servicepeople dropping stuff in the desert. Littering.
STEWART
So you're against the war?
STEWART
No, I'm all for it. What gave you the idea that I was against it? Sure, people are dying and that's bad, but you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
Yes, it's Stewart and Walker again. In fact, almost every program on HIT involves one or both of these two men. Which is not to say that other people haven't appeared on the show.
We see JONES, sitting alone at a desk in front of the green curtain.
JONES
The Bills dominated every phase of the game, tearing into the Browns at every opportunity. Let's go to the highlights.
We stay on JONES, and begin to hear the sound of a radio broadcast of a football game.
CORRESPONDENT (o.c.)
Were you the big shot at HIT TV?
JONES
Oh, very much so. I was in just about everything they put on the air, from their news and sports report to their talk shows. I was in everything but the infomercials.
CORRESPONDENT
And you're no longer with HIT.
JONES
Correct.
CORRESPONDENT
What happened?
JONES
When I was first hired by HIT, I was told I would be hosting a talk show, a sports show, and more programming. I thought I'd be the Bob Costas of HIT TV. They didn't tell me that they would be their own regular guests, and that I'd also have to host a game show. I hosted a game show, and guess who the contestants were?
Game show set in front of a green curtain. Stewart and Walker are the contestants; Jones is the host.
JONES
Now it's time for the lightning round, where you'll both compete for one percent of HIT TV stock. Here's the question: who is the president of HIT TV?
WALKER
Me! I am!
JONES
We're going to have to check with our judges. Judges?
STEWART
Jeff's right, Ralph. He's the president.
JONES
Congratulations! You win the lightning round!
Cut back to interview set, with Correspondant and Jones.
CORRESPONDENT (o.s.)
Why did you leave HIT TV?
JONES
They were paying me minimum wage to produce several hours of programming each day. I could've gotten a better job at McDonalds! Hell, even journalists make a little more money than that.
CORRESPONDENT
Did you ask them for a raise?
JONES
Sure I did. They laughed at me. They actually tried to cut my pay, but then I told them that minimum wage means you can't pay any less than that. I guess they were really having financial problems -- but I couldn't go on supporting myself that way.
CORRESPONDENT
What do you do now?
JONES
I... write for television.
JONES
Okay, I wait on tables. But I hope to write for television. I've got a "Who's the Boss" script in the works now. It's really good. Would you like to read it?
Cut to interview with Walker and Stewart.
CORRESPONDENT (o.s.)
Ralph Jones says that you were having money problems. Is that true?
WALKER
Why would be having money problems?
STEWART
We're obviously not having money problems. I mean, just look at that set we use for the talk shows.
CORRESPONDENT
The green one?
STEWART
Yeah, the green one. That's lavish! It's just lavish. You can't do better than that. I mean, look at your interview set here. It's black, it's dull, it's boring.
CORRESPONDENT
Our network designers thought we should go with a minimalist look for our interviews.
STEWART
Well, that's exactly what we have. Ours is minimalist, too. Plus it's lavish. It's lavish minimalism.
CORRESPONDENT
But if your ratings are so low, aren't your advertisers upset?
WALKER
No, not at all.
Cut to interview in the office of Sal Pigliano.
SAL
We're this close to pulling our programs off of HIT TV.
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
Sal Pigliano is president of Righetti Infotainment Incorporated, a company that produces half-hour-long commercials for individual products that usually appear on cable channels in the middle of the night. If Pigliano is so upset with the ratings of HIT TV, why hasn't he pulled his programs off the air?
SAL
Well, there's no other channel that's able to show 15 hours of infotainment programming each day. A program about our Gi-gi Seven product may be seen by more people on HIT TV at 7 p.m. than on the USA network at 3 in the morning.
Shot of informercial featuring Sal.
SAL
I'm here to share with you special news about a new product available now. It's Gi-gi Seven. Just apply Gi-Gi seven to your back, and unsightly back hair withers away.
He rubs Gi-Gi on his back.
PIGLIANO (Cont.)
Gi-Gi Seven has served thousands of satisfied customers, including actor Ed Asner, president Gerald Ford, and the lovely and talented Mary Hart.
PIGLIANO
And remember, I'm not just the owner of Gi-Gi Seven, I'm also a customer!
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
That's right -- HIT TV programs over 15 hours of commercial programs each day. And if you think that showing so many commercials is the only reason why HIT TV's ratings are so low, think again.
Cut to interview in office of Pat Clifford
CORRESPONDENT (v.o.)
Pat Clifford is the vice-president of Cablerama Cable Systems, a company that provides cable programming to millions of homes in West Virginia -- but doesn't provide HIT TV.
CLIFFORD
We were perfectly willing to put HIT TV on our system, but the demands of Mr. Walker and Mr. Stewart were just ridiculous.
CORRESPONDENT
What do you mean?
CLIFFORD
Well, they demanded that HIT TV be placed on channel 17, and only channel 17.
CORRESPONDENT
And was this a problem?
CLIFFORD
It sure was. Cablerama carries C-SPAN II on channel 17. As a programmer, I'm not going to move C-SPAN II for these hacks! The hundreds of old people who watch C-SPAN II wouldn't ever be able to find it again.
Cut to Walker/Stewart interview.
CORRESPONDENT
What's the deal with channel 17?
They look at each other sheepishly.
WALKER
Well, we really wanted to be on channel 17...
STEWART
We like the number 17 a lot.
WALKER
It's sort of a lucky number.
CORRESPONDENT
But you must have realized that most cable systems weren't willing to move the stations already on channel 17 elsewhere just to make room for HIT TV?
WALKER
Well... not really.
STEWART
17's really a lucky number. It is.
WALKER
And a good magazine, too.
STEWART
Yes, that too.
Cut back to Action Reports set.
CORRESPONDENT
When we first broadcast this story back in March, we suggested that perhaps HIT TV's luck was about to run out. Sure enough, the station disappeared from Channel 17's across America in July.(beat)
But the luck hasn't been all that bad for Walker and Stewart. Walker has gone back to school, as a graduate student in communication at the University of California, San Diego, and hopes to be a professor some day. Stewart has been hired as a junior programmer by NBC. Unfortunately for Ralph Jones, HIT TV's Bob Costas, his "Who's the Boss" script was rejected. He's still waiting tables in Los Angeles, while working on a script for the syndicated TV series "Baywatch."
End.